Date: Sat, Jul 25
There are some moments where your mind finds a song before you even realize you're hurting.
A song that doesn't come from a speaker.
A song that just starts playing in your head.
And lately... I can't make it stop.
Ever since everything happened with Sage, that song has been there almost constantly.
Not because I want it there.
Because my mind doesn't know where else to put everything I'm feeling.
Sage is someone I care about deeply. Someone who has been there through my struggles, my past, and the things that made trusting people difficult.
But now we're facing something neither of us expected.
Something heavy.
Something stressful.
The situation with her ex has been painful to process. During a time where Sage and I were already struggling, he became someone she leaned on emotionally. What started as friendship became something much more complicated.
And now we're dealing with the consequences.
Today she goes in for an MRI.
Monday she takes a test.
And all I can do is sit here, worry, and hope everything turns out okay.
I hate feeling powerless.
I hate knowing I can't just fix everything.
I hate watching someone I love go through something painful.
The stress became so much that my body reacted before my mind could.
I threw up because of how overwhelmed I was.
Not for attention.
Not to make things about me.
Because sometimes your body says what your mind can't explain.
I'm scared.
I'm tired.
I'm worried about Sage.
I'm worried about us.
But even through all of this...
I still care.
I still want to be someone she can depend on.
I've been hurt before.
I've seen relationships leave scars.
I've experienced pain that still follows me sometimes.
But Sage matters to me.
And I don't want fear to decide who I become.
Maybe someday this will just be another archived memory.
Another moment we survived.
Another reminder that we made it through something difficult.
The song is still playing.
The stress is still there.
The answers aren't here yet.
- Dess
Date: Sat, Jul 25
Today reached a point where I couldn't keep everything bottled up anymore. The stress, the uncertainty, and everything surrounding Sage had been building for days until it finally overwhelmed me. I broke down in front of my parents. I expected anger. I expected disappointment. I expected to be told that everything was a mistake or that I should leave the relationship. Instead... There was silence. Not the uncomfortable kind. The kind where people are processing what they've just heard. After I explained what was happening, my legal guardian looked at me and quietly said:
"...We understand... We're so sorry for continually causing you more stress... We didn't know... It's okay... We're not upset."
Those weren't the words I was preparing myself to hear. I had spent so much time expecting the worst that I didn't know how to react when I was met with understanding instead. They asked me to explain everything from the beginning. So I did. I explained what had happened. I explained why Sage and I were struggling. I explained why everything had been weighing so heavily on me. I explained why I had been so stressed that I was physically getting sick.
When the conversation ended, they made me a promise. They told me they wouldn't tell Sage's mom. Then, right in front of me, they deleted her mom's phone number. That moment surprised me more than anything else that happened today.
It doesn't erase the stress. It doesn't answer the questions we're still waiting on. But for the first time in a while... I felt like someone was listening instead of judging. I don't know what happens next. I don't know what tomorrow looks like. But tonight ended differently than I ever expected. Sometimes the reaction you're most afraid of... Never comes.
— Dess